Desperate For Something
by dutchdear
Summary: Random short backstory that popped into my head for Hattie Durham.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Hattie or Ray but I do own Olivia. To be continued. Thanks for reading!**

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Hattie Durham had never been good with self-esteem.

She constantly beat herself down on the inside, hoping for some relief of the memories that constantly haunted her. Now she felt herself reaching once again, screaming, aching, _dying_ for someone or something to fill that huge hole in her heart and relieve the pain. Someone to give a curse for just a second.

For ten years, Hattie thought she had found her someone in a handsome captain on her routes. Each night she lay in bed, unable to fall asleep before the alcohol kicked in, thinking of Rayford Steele and how badly she wanted him- _needed _him­­- in her life. He cared about her. He was so different. While every other man had the ulterior motive of getting her into bed, Rayford took the time to talk to her. The tone of his voice made her melt; so soft, so gentle, so caring, so _genuine_.

No one, not even Hattie's physiatrist from fifteen years back, knew where this inner anger and rage sprung from. No one except Hattie and her childhood best friend, Olivia. Maybe, she had once thought, maybe Olivia was that someone to take away the pain. But she wasn't.

"God hates me," Hattie constantly thought. Maybe he did. She didn't know. She didn't really care, either. Hattie was not one for religion. Sure, she had studied it in some of her classes in college before she dropped, but she never paid attention to that. As long as she got the credits, as long as she did not fail the classes, Dad would be happy.

…Dad…

The one who started this whole mess.

Captain Henry Durham of Air International. He had constantly beaten her down with harsh, condemning words. He first started hitting her when she found out he was having an affair. He swore to kill her if she told, and so she didn't- for four years. The day Hattie told, Dad took her to his condo and dealt her one of the worst beatings of her life. She had fallen on the floor, sobbing and screaming in pain when he finally stopped, rage and hysteria running wild through his eyes. Then he'd picked her up held her by her shoulders and looked deep in her eyes. "Don't ever tell on me again." She'd trembled in fear as another bout of anger surged through him and he threw her against the wall. The humiliation of going to school with a black eye and bruised cheeks was more than she felt she could bear. She'd forgiven him for that- she'd tried to ignore it each time he hit her after that. She tried so hard to please him, to make him happy, to stay on his good side each time she saw him.

But Hattie decided that she couldn't forgive him for violently defiling her a year later.

He'd come home drunk and she knew he was staring at her as she pulled the blankets over him and turned on the TV so he could fall asleep with entertainment. She had flipped to his favorite show and given him the remote.

"How's that?" she'd asked, hoping he was pleased enough to leave her alone for the night. He said nothing and continued surveying her from head to foot. "Dad?"

"You're beautiful," he'd said, his breath smelling of far too many beers. He'd said it before, and it always made her more conscious of her size C breasts, noticeably muscular butt, long and toned legs, flat abdomen, curly blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. This time she ignored him and turned on the fan. "Did you hear me? I said you're be-"

"I heard you," she interrupted curtly.

"Then come here and give Daddy a kiss."

"No."

"Not after everything I do for you?"

"I said no." He shook his head and settled against the pillows. "You'll regret it, baby. You will." He began to doze even as she left.

"G'night, Captain." She'd fallen asleep on the couch downstairs, only to awaken to him calling for her hours later. She'd dashed up the stairs to see what he wanted and he must have waited by the door because…

She didn't want to think about it. She'd felt so helpless, so hurt, so betrayed.

Now, as she sat looking at a picture of her and Rayford together that he had posted on MySpace, she fought the tears about to burst from their chambers and tried to smile. She had nothing to give him, but she wanted him.

She'd do anything.


End file.
